Gods Don't Exist
by AMBC
Summary: Story one of South Park: Religion Exposed also known as Super Best Friends: Secret of the Greeks, whichever title you prefer . The boys and Charlie are in hot water when they go to Greece for Kenny's granfather's funeral. Stars ThreadbareSP's fan character Charlie. Not suitable for those who take their religion seriously. Leave a review after reading.
1. Chapter 1

**All characters that appeared in the show belong to Trey Parker and Matt Stone. All fanon characters, including Zoroaster, Dark Matter and the Olympians belong to me. Charlie and Becca Pierzynski, also fanon characters, belong to Project B.**

**This is my first published fanfiction so please bear with me. This is also the first chapter of my South Park series that will last about four stories. It will be based on comedy, action/adventure and mythology. **

**South Park: Religion Exposed**

**Act 1: Gods Don't exist**

The streets were unmoving, silent in the night. It was past midnight the there was no one in sight, unless of course you count a lone man running for his life through the streets, then it's not that lonely…well you get the idea.

Anyway back to the white haired man, who looked to be in his late sixties was darting through buildings and cars, trying to avoid whatever was after him. He needed to get away, but most importantly, he needed to protect _them._ As he hid behind a corner in an alleyway, he took out of his coat pocket a cube shape object and stared at it. It looked like a normal cube to some people, but him it held value, not money value mind, but spiritual value. The cube was almost white in appearance but with a blue glow to it and it was engraved with symbols from ancient times. The man knew that this cube was very dangerous in the wrong hands, another reason why he has to keep it away from _him_.

Then he heard footsteps and he knew that it was the person who was chasing him. The man sprinted to the nearest corner, only to find that it's a dead end.

"Aw crap" The old man replied.

"Well, well, look who's finally caught," The figure said as he drew closer to the captured man, "You were close to figuring it all out Erastus."

"All the more reason to get a head start in stopping you." The man called Erastus said defiantly.

"I really thought you had me when I discovered you had a Keystone, and yet you just couldn't put the pieces together." Said the figure.

"You have no idea of what you're tampering with here," Yelled Erastus, "This could endanger my family, and even if I die, I have full confidence that they will stop you!"

The figure chuckled, "I don't think so," He pulled out a gun, "This is just the beginning, and I can't let you or those beings you call 'heroes' interfere."

With that, a gunshot echoed through the streets.

The discovery of the cube that was called a 'Keystone' had enough power to bring a dark evil back to life.

If you are to look inside Mount Olympus in Greece, you will find bulky, knights wearing armour covered in black amour and unmoving, wasted away to nothing but skeletons. Not tonight though, because their eyes begin to glow a vivid red and they break free from the positions they were in after they died.

The knights walk outside the cave and stare at the view of Greece. It is time to take back what was rightfully theirs.

Around the same time, in a mountain town in Colorado, in a poverty stricken house, a little girl was waking up from a strange dream. The girl, looking to be around seven, with fair brown hair, stared at her room, slightly shaken from the dream she had. She walked over to her window and stared at the night sky, wondering what the dream was about. As she looked at the sky, she could have sworn she saw a shooting star land in Stark's Pound.


	2. Chapter 2

**I made a mistake in the summary. What I meant to say was the funeral was for Kenny's Grandfather and Charlie belongs to ThreadbareSP**

**Chapter 2**

The snow sparkled in the warm sun. Adults went to their jobs while their children went to school. It was just another normal day in South Park…at least you wished it was. In this mountain town, you just never know what might happen and today was going to be no exception.

In South Park Elementary, the class of Mr. Garrison were heading to their seats, ready to start the day for another incompetent lesson.

"I'm telling you asswipes, it's real! It's really real!" Eric Cartman yelled, in his usual manipulative nature, only this time, his fellow classmates were unsure.

Craig Tucker flipped the fat boy off, while shaking his head slightly, "We don't know if it truly is real you retard. You have no proof of any kind."

"You guys! I'm seriously!" Yelled Cartman, "Butters agrees with me. Don't you Butters?" He looked at the timid boy with the yellow puffball on his head.

"Ah geez Eric, I wanna believe you," Said Butters, messing with his hands slightly, "but my parents said they'll ground me, if I ever fall for another one of your tricks."

"God-dammit!" Cartman shouted. He was making such a scene in the classroom. A few more of his classmates arrived, including Stan Marsh, Kyle Bloflovski, Charlie Pierzynski and Kenny McCormick.

"Hey Jew!" Screamed Cartman when he saw his friends enter the classroom, "Can you prove to these stupid assholes that I'm right."

Kyle growled softly. He was in no mood to put up with the stupidity of his least favourite person in the world.

"Right about what?" Stan asked.

"That the Hanging Gardens of Babylon is real." Cartman said simply.

"Cartman that is the most retarded thing I've ever heard." Said Kyle.

"It's not stupid Jew, its real, I know I'm right! I'm always right!"

"Right!" Asked Kyle, "Since when were you always right?"

"Hmm, let me think," Cartman said in mock remembering, "There was the time I said you can crap out of your mouth, and goodness it worked Kyle, and there was the time I said the last thing you do before you die was shit your pants, and my, look at that, and let's not forget the time I said Leprechauns were real-"

"That's not the point!" Kyle shouted, "I know the Hanging Gardens of Babylon isn't real because there's no proof that it is real!"

"No proof huh? I suppose there's no proof that Kenny's poor?"

"Fuck you!" Kenny yelled under his polka.

"Shut up fatass!"

"But Kyle-"

"Eric, sit down and shut the hell up!" Mr. Garrison shouted, who was just coming into the classroom.

"Eh, Mr. Garrison, I think we should discuss the idea of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon being real." Said Cartman.

"No Eric, that's stupid and retarded." Said Mr. Garrison, who was setting his books on his desk.

"But Mr. Garrison, there's a speck of truth on what's real and what isn't."

"Oh really now? Like what?"

"Well like you being gay-"

"That is completely different to what you're talking about," Charlie retorted, "Mr. Garrison didn't admit his sexuality until he went into a giant tree. The thing you're describing is stuff you find in history and mythology books."

"I didn't ask for your opinion, you gender confused bitch!" Cartman shouted.

"Don't call her that fatass!" Yelled Kyle.

"Fuck you Jew!"

"Eric, language!"

"M'kay, am I interrupting anything?" Mr. Mackey's over sized head peeped into the classroom.

"Apart from Eric being a smartass, no you're not."

M'kay, in that case, can Kenny McCormick come to the principal's office, m'kay?"

"_Shit, what did I do now?" _Kenny thought to himself.

"Can you also bring Eric with you, because he's being a smartass."

"FUCK!" Cartman screamed, while throwing his hat on the ground. Many of his classmates couldn't help but stifle a few laughs.

When Kenny, Cartman and Mr. Mackey arrived in Principal Victoria's office Kenny found that his parents, Stuart and Carol McCormick were also there, both with grave looks on their faces.

"There is a misunderstanding here Principal Victoria," Said Cartman. Kenny knew that the fat boy was trying to weasel his way out of getting into trouble, "I didn't do anything offending nor did I force someone to commit suicide. I'm a victim of an abusing teacher, which we all know is not kewl."

"I'll deal with you and your lies in a minute Eric," said the principal, "right now I'm more concerned with Kenny's family…"

"…What?" Kenny asked.

"We didn't want Karen to find out," Said Stuart, "she wouldn't understand."

Carol drew a deep breath, "Kenny, do you remember your grandfather from my side of the family?"

"The one we almost never see?"

"Yeah, well we got a call that he's dead."

A long silence filled the office, as Kenny took in what his mother just said.

"They say he was found dead in an alleyway in some street." Stuart explained.

"Your parents wanted to let you know personally Kenny," Principal Victoria, "and just so you understand that you don't have let your friends know right away of what you heard, you can tell them in your own ti-Eric what are you doing with that microphone?"

She has just noticed Cartman turning on the microphone.

"I just want to let something out Principal Victoria," Said Cartman, as he began to make an announcement, "Good morning asswipes. Today I've learned that Kenny's asswipe grandfather just died. It just goes to show that poor people die quicker than others-"

"Goddammit Cartman!"

"Eric, give me the microphone right now!"

"I can't believe that bitch of a principal suspended me!" Cried Cartman when they were exiting the school.

"Well I'm not surprised fatass," Said Kyle, "you announced to the whole school that Kenny's grandfather died!"

"Don't you have a heart?" Asked Charlie.

"Probably not, 'cause it's hidden underneath his fatass." Said Stan.

Cartman huffed, "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

As he walked ahead of them, he walked passed Butter, who was making his own way home.

"_Lu lu lu I got some apples," _He sang, _"Lu lu lu you got some too."_

As he was turning a corner, he bumped straight into a white robed figure.

"Oh hamburgers!" Cried Butters, believing he was going to get in yet another dangerous situation.

The stranger sighed in relief, "Oh thank God, someone who's not of the Pura Fides, so someone who's less likely to be found with this."

He pulled a staff that Butters had never seen. It was a peculiar staff, which was made of what looked like steel and had the head of an ox on top.

"I need you to do me a favour," Said the figure, "take this staff with you and don't show it to anyone else. With it you can summon him out of the Pentagon and into the outside world again."

W-wait, who's 'him' and how do I work this thing?" Butters asked but the mysterious stranger ran off before the boy had time to ask. Butters looked at the staff he was given with fear. He couldn't bring it home with him, his parents would ground him for sure, and yet, something told him that he shouldn't leave it lying on the ground either. Making a decision, he put the staff in his backpack and walked home in scilence.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"You didn't have to invite us over to your house, you know." Carol said to Kyle's mother, Sheila Bloflovski.

"Don't be ridiculous," Sheila replied, "you lost a dear relative in your family and the least we can do is make sure you have friends to comfort you."

"I'm surprised you have a book of the members in your family and their history." Said Sharon, Stan's mother, looking at a big book with a grey cover. She didn't think that they could afford a book like that.

"Yeah, we keep that book in the house, but we never read it." Said Stuart.

"We use to have a book like that," Said Randy," hey Sharon, tell them about the time you used the pages as toilet paper."

"Randy!"

"Hey it's true, I didn't bother buying toilet paper and you just wrecked that book, now we just have a half wrecked book of relatives."

"I think we get the picture Randy." Gerald replied, flipping through the pages of the family book, until he came across a particular section of the book.

"Huh, that's interesting." He said thoughtfully.

"What?" Carol asked.

"I didn't know your father was born in Greece." Gerald answered.

There was stunned look on Carol's face when he said that.

"What? Th-that's impossible. My dad wasn't a Greek."

"That's not what your family book says." Gerald said, handing the book to Stuart and Carol, "Have a read for yourself."

Stuart and Carol both read the section of Carol's father before stunned looks crossed their faces.

"Holy crap it's true," Stuart said, "your dad was a Greek.

"…Wow," Said Randy, "suddenly using book pages for toilet paper doesn't sound so bad, huh?"

"Randy!"

"Grandpa was a Greek?" Kevin, Kenny's older brother asked when the parents' children were gathered in the Marsh's living room to learn the news.

"That's right," Stuart said, "we found out in our family book."

"Whoa dude. That means you're part foreigner Kenny." Stan said to his friend.

"With this bit of news, I don't know what to do now," Said Carol, "Dad said that if he died he wanted to be buried in his birthplace. I presumed that it was in Illinois where my family originally lived, but now that I learned he was Greek, I don't know how to do the funeral."

While she was talking, Randy began to think of an idea, concerning the funeral and the Greek part.

"Hey uh, Carol," He began, "isn't Greece your dad's original birthplace?"

"Randy…" Sharon warned, she knew that look on her husband's face anywhere. It was the look he always gets when he has an idea, only for it to turn into an obsessive desire.

"No, seriously Sharon, hear me out. What if you let us, your friends pay to get your dead dad to Greece and all of us and our son's friends can come with us?"

"…You sure you're not doing it just because Greece is a holiday country and you're going to turn the trip into a vacation?" Stan asked.

"Don't be ridiculous Stan," Randy half-lied, "if there's one thing I like to put first, it's the happiness of those close to me…and beaches."

"I for one, think that's an excellent idea," Sheila exclaimed with more sympathy for the McCormicks, "I think we can start now with preparations for the trip. Gerald can you call the nearest airport and explain the situation for them and how about we split the money between us for the trip? I'm sure the O'Briens will help as well."

"Dude, I think we're headed to Greece." Kyle said to his best friend.

The next day Stan, Kyle and Cartman went the O'Brien residence to visit Charlie. It has been over a year now since Charlie and her little sister Becca were adopted by a loving couple, who wanted children of their own. Although Charlie no longer lived with Stan's family, his parents still saw her as one of their own.

Stan rang the doorbell and Mrs. O'Brien answered it.

"Hi boys," She said sweetly.

"Hi Mrs. O'Brien, is Charlie home?" Kyle asked.

"Yes, you three must be here about the trip to Greece. Come on in," She replied, waving an arm for them to come in which they did.

The living room was colourful and spotless as usual. However Mrs. O'Brien manages to make it stainless, the boys will never know.

"Hey boys," Mr. O'Brien said in the living room. He was reading a book to Becca, who waved at Cartman. Though they no longer lived together Becca still regarded Cartman as her big brother.

"If you're looking for Charlie, she's upstairs in her room, getting ready for the trip." He said.

"Okay, thanks," Said Stan and the boys headed upstairs.

"Seriously, they're total fags." Said Cartman.

"Cartman, shut up!" Hissed Kyle.

Charlie looked at the stuff she was taking with her to Greece. There was fresh clothes, sun cream, her pyjamas and her toothbrush.

"_Yeah, that should be enough." _She thought while straightening her stocking cap. She heard her door opening and saw her three friends entering her room.

"Honestly Charlie, you were adopted by the wrong parents," Said Cartman as he sat on the bed, "They are complete and total fags."

"Yeah, at least I have a dad and my new mom doesn't have sex with random people!" Charlie snapped.

"At least my mom isn't a psycho bitch like your old mom!"

"Shut up fatass!"

"If you're both done arguing about your parents, can we talk about the place we're going to in Greece?" Asked Stan, as he and Kyle also sat on the bed.

"Sure, what is the place?" Charlie asked.

"I did some research on the computer and we're going to Alethea in Greece." Kyle explained.

"Alethea?"

"It's a village that is somewhere near Mount Olympus. Apparently the people their take history seriously."

"What do you mean?"

"The villagers talk a lot about the Greek Gods, the Olympians, they take extra care of some temple and they stay true to tradition. The main religion there is Gnosticism, which is a religion that existed long before Christianity. It really talks about the knowledge of spirituality and the release of some element in people."

Cartman burst out laughing after Kyle finished explaining, "You're all going to stay in a village of Greek, hippie fags! That's so fucking gay!"

"Dude, you're going too." Stan retorted. This caused Cartman to stop laughing immediately, "…Say what?"

"Yeah fatass. Our parents said that we have to come as well to comfort Kenny and that includes you."

"Are you fucking serious!" Cartman asked, "I have to spend a few days in a village of fucking gay Greeks as well!"

"That's right." Said Charlie, turning her attention to Stan and Kyle, "and our parents are right. We should do whatever we can to support our friend."

"As long as it doesn't make us look gay." Kyle remarked.

"Well way to go you guys," Cartman said angrily, "you assholes completely screwed me over. I thought I wasn't gonna go to this crappy trip and just when I was gonna rub it in your faces, you say I have to go as well! Got any books I could burrow Charlie? 'Cause I should at least be educated about something the next time you assholes decide to fuck me!"

Meanwhile, somewhere in Oregon, a group of theologists were exploring a field of some kind, trying to find anything that could be related to religion.

"Found anything yet?" A female theologist asked another theologist, while he was looking in a bush.

"Nothing yet…" He replied, until he spotted something beside a rock. He picked it up and realised it was a journal, which looked as if it was left there a long time.

"I found something. This could be it."


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

"About Goddam time. I thought we'd never get out of that craphole plane." Muttered Cartman as the parents and their kids arrived in Alethea. They found the village was quaint looking. It wasn't advanced like most towns, but it did have a modern feel to it and it wasn't big but it wasn't small either. There were no roads or cars, just pavements.

"Dude, this is like our town turned upside-down." Stan said to Kyle. At that moment a nun approached the group.

"Hello and welcome to Alethea," She said, "you all must be the ones who told about the funeral of one of our own."

"If you're looking for the body, they're still trying to get it out of the plane." Randy said plainly.

"…Right," The nun faltered slightly, "if you will all follow me, I will show to the building you will be staying in."

"Are there any cars, buses, something around here that's related to travel?" Randy asked desperately, as they followed the nun.

"We don't like using man-made objects that might harm the environment. Instead us Gnostics prefer to be one with nature and keep Alethea free from the ever changing world around us."

"Aw-awww!" cried Randy.

"I told you," Said Cartman, "this place is full of hippie fags."

When they reached the building they found that it was beautifully decorated with a balcony and columns to steady it. The inside was bright and colourful with the floors made of mahogany wood and the walls made from pure, white plaster.

"My God, this is absolutely beautiful," Said Sharon, admiring the elegantly made paintings on the walls, "Who ever designed this hotel sure did it with care, certainly leaving nothing out, whatsoever."

"I can't believe they have no T.V. here." Randy grumbled.

"I am glad it is to your liking," The nun bowed slightly to Sharon but not taking glaring eyes off her husband, "however, I have a feeling that the owner will not be getting a check." Her eyes soften when she saw Carol. "Ah, you must be Caroline. I am sorry for the loss of your father. He was a good person."

"Oh? You knew my dad?" Carol asked.

"That's right. He was born and raised in this very village and like most of us, he was a Gnostic. That makes you Caroline, Greek by blood, and your children too."

"Eh, what does all this douchey stuff have to do with finding a snack here?" Cartman asked impolitely, receiving a glare from the nun.

"Well, we need to get to our rooms first Eric," Explained Sharon, "Stanley, why don't you and your friends go explore the village for a bit while we get our rooms ready. I'm sure there are some interesting sites worth seeing."

The boys and Charlie wondered around the village, trying to find something that's would be entertaining.

"This…is…bullcrap," Cartman said, "I fucking hate you guys so much right now. Especially you Kyle. I hate you the most."

"Oh yeah? Well why don't you pick an idea to have fun fatass!"

"Screw you Jersey Jew!"

"Will you two quit arguing already?"

While the group were arguing, Stan bumped into a boy about their age. The two fell over from the impact.

"Holy shit dude!" Kenny yelled.

"Whoa Stan, are you alright?" Asked Charlie.

"Yeah I'm fine." Stan replied, getting up.

"I'm sorry about that," The boy said, also getting up, "I didn't see you there." The boy was the same height as the five friends with black, straight hair and slightly tanned skin. He wore a white t-shirt and pale grey pants. He looked to be a local here.

"Don't worry about it." Stan said.

"Are you the Americans who are staying a few days in our village?" The boy asked.

"Yeah and who the hell are you fag?" Asked Cartman.

"My name is Andrew," The boy replied, "As you can see, us Aletheans take tradition in high regard."

"Yeah, no wonder your village smells like the fucking middle ages." Said Cartman.

"Ignore the fatass. He's an idiot." Kyle said as he glared at the fat boy.

"Yeah well you may not realise it, but there's more to the history of our village then you think," Said Andrew, "if you have the time, I like to take you to the Alethean temple."

"…Alethean…temple?" Stan asked, confused.

" Yeah, it's just south of the village. If you have nothing to do, follow me to the temple."

Andrew walked on ahead of the group, who all exchanged glances before following the Greek boy to the temple.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Andrew led the South Park kids down the village to an area where it was more isolated. There they saw a giant Greek temple with a dome shaped roof and two columns at the front to steady it. It looked to be made of white stone with Greek symbols engraved at the helm of the roof.

"We're here." Said Andrew, looking at the temple with pride, "Gnostics take great pride in that temple because it's our most important historic landmark."

"I swear to God, if the story behind that stupid temple is nothing but crap, I'll make you eat your parents." Cartman muttered.

"What does the inside look like?" Asked Kenny.

"I'll show you."

Andrew led the other inside the temple, where they found it was surprisingly spaces. It was dark, only lit by several candles and the walls were covered with paintings carved into them. What the kids found unusual though was in the centre of the temple were four pedestals, each with different coloured symbols on them.

"Hey Andrew, what are those pedestals for?" Charlie asked.

Andrew frowned slightly when he saw the pedestals, "I'm not really sure myself. They have not been used in over two thousand years that us Aletheans have forgotten their purpose. We were more focused on keeping the history of the Alethean War alive."

"What the hell is the Alethean War?" Asked Kyle.

Andrew pointed to the paintings on the walls. "You see those paintings? Well they tell us the story of our village, our history. Among them is the Alethean War. You see, almost two thousand ago, when the Greek Empire still existed and we still looked to the Gods for guidance, our village was at war with what was left of Babylon."

"What was left?" Stan asked.

"Well either whole or little, we Gnostics aren't really sure if Babylon existed around the same time as the Greek Empire. Anyway, the villagers were at war with the Empire in the Middle East. We had many battles with their army, but the fiercest and important of these battles was the one that ended the war, the battle with the Tenebris."

"The Tenebris eh," Said Cartman, "Sounds like something you'd say after taking a dump."

"Aw dude, sick." Cried Stan.

"It's not sick, it's common sense."

"No, the Tenebris were evil knights of the Babylonians, who they used as a last resort on our village," Explained Andrew, "they were much stronger than ordinary knights our ancestors battled, more dangerous. They had the upper hand and the Aletheans were losing to them. They were close to invading our village when the Olympians intervened and chose one of our own to defeat the Tenebris and end the war."

Andrew then pointed to a painting of a woman, who had fair skin and bright olive green eyes that stared back at them. Her hair was long and wavy, brownish-red in colour. Her white toga dress went to her ankles and she carried what looked like a sword in her hands.

"Who's that?" Asked Kenny, staring the woman in his usual perverted manner.

"That's the saviour of our village; Sophia."

Cartman burst out laughing, "Your Gods got some bitch to save you all! God, how much gayer could this place get!"

"Cartman shut the hell up!" Kyle shouted

"Yes it's true that Sophia is a woman, but the Olympians saw great potential in her and the she had the motivation needed to end the war. They entrusted her with the sword in the painting that she will need on the Tenebris and, under their instructions, she led our ancestors in a successful battle against the Tenebris, killing the dark knights and ending the Alethean War once and for all."

"Wow dude." Said Stan.

"Whatever happened to Sophia after the war?" Charlie asked.

"She became a Gnostic Angel after she passed on, which wasn't very long ahead because she never made it passed thirty."

"Gnostic Angel?" Kenny asked.

"Gnostic Angels are deceased Greeks that do not go to the Underworld after they died but move on to a higher plain of existence in Olympus. They can only become Gnostic Angels if their hearts are good and if they did something that was out of pure selflessness. They're like the Christian version of angels, except more graceful and they have the ability to travel between different worlds."

"…That…was without a doubt…the most retarded thing I have ever heard," Said Cartman, "I mean come on, no one gives a shit about Greek Gods anymore and the assholes here still believe in them, and the story about your war, that was stupid, fucking gay! Screw you buttholes, I'm going back to the hotel."

As Cartman left the temple, Andrew looked at the other boys, "I have a feeling your friend doesn't like it here very much."

"Yeah, the fatass complains about a lot of things." Stan said casually.

"The way he insulted our history and customs, that makes him sound like a non-believer."

"He insults a lot of customs, but that doesn't make him an atheist," Kyle explained. "He was a Catholic but changed to Judaism after trying to prove that some monster exists, but that didn't last long and the fat turd started ripping on me for being a Jew again."

"I suppose that means he is beyond redemption then," Said Andrew, "but the rest of you seem like thoughtful people. Are you willing to open your eyes to the cleansing truth of the Olympians' existence? If you want to of course, I won't force you to, the Gnostics aren't a forcing type."

"Sorry Andrew, but you're talking to the wrong girl," Said Charlie, "I don't believe in the Olympians."

Andrew gasped in shock at what the girl said, "You don't believe in the Olympians, how could you not believe in the Olympians?"

"It's limited to them you know. I don't believe in the existence of religious figures."

"You believe religious figures don't exist, but why, I mean, how can you not believe in them?"

"I'm sorry but I just don't see any proof that they do exist, I mean think about it, we have a solar system, but not any holy beings sitting on clouds."

"Okay, well what about the stories told talk about religious figures." Kyle asked.

Charlie walked towards the exit of the temple, "That's all they ever were Kyle, just stories." She said as she walked out of the temple.

"Wow dude, who would've thought," Said Stan, "Charlie not believing in holy beings."

"We have to prove to her that religious figures do exist," Andrew exclaimed, "the Gnostics were taught the religious knowledge of the Gods, we are one of the oldest religions still existing."

"Good luck with that," Said Stan, "if there's one thing you should know about us Americans, It's that we don't change our minds easily."

Stan and Kyle were on their way to the exit when they spotted Kenny looking at a painting in the corner of the temple. The painting looked very faded, to the point where you can't actually see what's on it. Andrew and the two boys joined him.

"If you're wondering what that painting was," Andrew explained, "it was the first painting ever made in here. It originally showed the founder of our village but years of it fading made us forget the name, but we do know that it was the namesake of Alethea, anyway that's another story for another time and you need to join the others."

With that, the remaining friends left the temple to catch up with Charlie and Cartman.


	6. Chapter 6

**Just a simple explanation; Charlie isn't an atheist…per-say but that belief will change eventually. Also I haven't forgotten that Kyle and Charlie are in a relationship, I was just waiting for the right moment for their relationship to be shown.**

**Anyway, the fist several chapters may look boring and not so thrilling but they're only the 'calm before the storm' chapters. From this chapter onwards the plot will fall into place.**

**Chapter 6**

The next day, the villagers were preparing the funeral. They set tables and chairs, placed benches at the cemetery and harvested lilies for the coffin. It was as if they knew what had happened and they prepared for it.

"My, you Aletheans certainly are resourceful." Sheila said, while holding Kyle's adopted, Canadian brother, Ike.

"Yes, well you have to be when you live in a community." The nun replied.

"Hey, do you know where the nearest beach is?" Asked Randy, who was wearing swim shorts and sun cream and holding an umbrella and a beach chair.

"Alethea isn't close to any beaches," The nun explained, "Alethea was built here, near Mount Olympus for the sole purpose that we remain forever loyal to the Olympians."

"…Well, this trip is just going to suck-ass."

"Randy!"

At that moment Kenny and Stan walked over to his parents with a black eye, "Mom, Shelly punched me in the eye."  
"Well, try not to get in her way sweetie. Carol, are you alright?" Sharon saw Kenny's mother walking over, looking frazzled.

"I'm not sure," She said, "I keep feeling like we've forgotten something on the trip."

"This place sucks!" Cartman whined, "There's no arcade, no game shop, there's not even a fucking KFC! This is not kewl!" of course nobody paid any attention to the fat boy.

"Has anyone seen Kyle?" Sheila asked.

"He wanted to spend time with Charlie, since they're together now," Said Kenny, "so they went off to some meadow. I didn't even know there was a meadow here."

"Ah, young romance," Sharon said absently, "reminds me of the time when we were their age Randy."

"…Young…," Carol muttered and then it suddenly hit her, "Oh my God. Oh my God, we left Karen behind!"

"What?" Yelled Kenny.

"We left my only daughter and youngest child back in South Park!"

"Aw crap." Said Randy.

This caused Cartman to laugh, "Ha! Poor people are even stupider then Jews."

"What-what-WHAT?" Shrieked Sheila.

Sheila's scream echoed across Mount Olympus, unaware that it was vaguely heard in the clouds that surrounded the tip of the mountain. Many people didn't realise it but those clouds contain the domain of the Olympians, the legendary Greek Gods. On top of those clouds, behind heavenly gates, stood many temples of the Olympians, but the one that should be focused on is the temple in the centre, with a glass roof to see a giant glowing blue sphere in the middle of the top of the temple. Inside the temple, in a room to the west, the leader of the Olympians, Zeus was hard at work until he thinly heard the scream.

"Huh…for a second there, I thought I heard someone scream." He said to himself. Just then he smelt burning smoke, "Aw Damn!"

He quickly removed the iron off the mortal he made himself, but it was too late. The mortal's face was fiercely disfigured and she spoke nothing but gibberish.

"…You know what? I'll put you in the Stone Age," Said Zeus as he activated the Time Portal, "You'll pass for hot, now get in the Time Portal."

The disfigured mortal went through the portal. After she left Zeus let out a deep sigh.

"Zeus!" A female voice caught his attention. Turning around, he saw that it was Hestia, the Goddess of the Home, standing near the doorway, "If you're finished making your own mortals, can you take a look at this."

Zeus followed Hestia to the sphere room, the meeting place for the Greek Gods. There he found that some of the other Olympians were there as well.

"What's wrong?" He asked. Zeus knew that if the Olympians were together in this room, it means that something wasn't right.

"We got a problem," The Goddess of Wisdom, Athena answered, while pointing to the sphere, "see for yourself."

Zeus looked at the sphere for a few minutes before a look of horror ran across his face, "That's impossible…"

"Apparently not," The God of Music, Apollo replied," Hermes is in the Mortal World right now as we speak, trying to gather more information."

"We have to do something about this." Apollo's twin sister, Artemis exclaimed.

"Well, what can we do?" Hephaestus asked, "We can't directly get involved with mortal affairs you know, not anymore at least."

"It's true, we can't but the half-mortals can." Everyone looked at Hestia.

"Half-mortals? You mean immortal humans?" Asked Zeus.

"That's right. Our agent told me about the half-mortals living in the American continent. There are a group of them who go around the world fighting evil and protecting innocents. According to our agent, these elite half-mortals call themselves the 'Super Best Friends'."

"Super Best Friends…" Zeus said thoughtfully, "I don't know."

"If it means stopping this crisis from worsening, we must put our faith in them." Athena said to Zeus.

"…All right, here's what we'll do; Hephaestus you alert our agent of the situation. Artemis, Apollo you two stay here and watch the sphere to see if anything comes up. I think the best thing to do for now is wait until Hermes comes back and then we'll make a plan."

The Olympians set to work on their tasks, while the rest parted to their temples.

"Maybe it's nothing serious," Said Demeter, "I mean it could be a bluff for all we know."

"It's no joke Demeter," Hestia replied, while looking back at the blue sphere, "the search for the Keeper of the Keystones and the Keystones themselves is nigh."

"And now, back to 'Jesus and Pals' on South Park Public Access." Said the TV Announcer.

"Yea, believe in me and yea shall peace." Jesus Christ said to his audience, "First caller, you're on the air."

"Eh, yeah is this Jesus?" The caller on his phone asked.

"Yes it is my child, tell your sister that she needs to use hot showers in moderation otherwise she'll get dry skin."

"Oh, okay thanks." Another caller answered the phone, "Hey Jesus, I have this cousin who has scoliosis and-"

"Make sure to take your cousin to the nearest hospital," Jesus replied, "just because you're Christian Scientists, doesn't mean you can't rely on prayers to heal illnesses all the time."

A third caller answered the phone, "Hello, is this Jesus and Pals?"

"It is my child, what question do you have?"

"Well this question is kind of about you." The caller said.

"Oookay," Jesus said slowly, "and what question is that?"

"Is this the Second Coming?"

"…What?"

"I'm just wondering if this is the Second Coming."

"No, as far as I know it isn't."

"But, if it isn't the Second Coming, how did you come back from Heaven"

Jesus frowned at the question, "Wait, what?"

"I'm just wondering what made you come down to Earth, if it isn't the Second Coming."

"Uh, well I…" Jesus struggled to find the answer himself. He never really thought about his second existence in Earth until now.

"Hey, I'm wondering that too." Someone in the audience replied.

"I want to know too."

"Yeah!"

Jesus quickly stood up from his seat, "Um, c-could you all excuse me for a minute…or an hour, depending on how long I'll be gone." With that, Jesus ran off the stage, leaving the audience to wonder what that was all about.

"Was that an answer?"

"I don't know."

"Hello?" Said the caller, "Am I still on? Hello?"


	7. Chapter 7

**This chapter introduces the character of Zoroaster, the founder of the Zoroastrian religion and the reluctant protagonist of the series. For those of you who don't know Zoroastrianism is a real religion. It is believed to be the very first structured religion and the one that strongly influenced the Christian, Muslim and Jewish religions. **

**If this were a real series Zoroaster would be voiced by actor John Stamos.**

**Chapter 7**

Butters looked at the ox staff on his bed. He managed to sneak it into his room without his parents noticing, which was good because if they found the staff, he would get a major grounding for sure.

Maybe it was just a fake staff, he thought, it couldn't be magic, there's no such thing as magic…is there?

"M-maybe I should just test it to see," He said, picking up the staff, "what's the worst that could happen?" He looked over the staff to see if there any instructions until he saw small writing engraved on the staff:

"_To summon the Prophet of Iran, say Vocare, Ianuae and Adducam in that order."_

"Golly, what a trio of fancy words," Said Butters, "might as well give it a try." He gripped the staff tightly and said the words instructed; "Vocare, Ianuae, Adducam."

The staff began to glow and crackle in his hands, scaring him slightly. Suddenly there was a bright light that filled his room. Butters had to close his eyes to avoid the light's glare. Through his eyelids he saw the light fade away, but he didn't open his eye.

"What the-? Where the hell am I?"

Butters quickly opened his eyes at the sound of the unfamiliar male voice. If there was one thing that caught Butters by shock, it was the sight of an adult man looking around his room in confusion. The man had long brown hair and a brown beard, on his head was what looked like a small white turban. He wore a white shawl, which had a white cape underneath and white robes that went as far as his knees. There was a golden piece of fabric tied around his waist and he wore white trousers underneath the robes and black shoes. There was a halo around his head that glowed a fainted yellow.

Seeing a complete stranger in his room made Butters lose it.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH"

Butters' screams caught the stranger off guard and Butters darted out of his room as fast as he could.

Stephen and Linda Stotch arrived home just in time to find their son rushing out of the house.

"Oh for the love of Christ, not this again," Stephen muttered, remembering the last time Butters rushed out of the house like this, "Butters, we told you to stay in the house until we got back!"

"But dad, there's some strange fella in my room that I summoned-"

"You're exasperating Butters! Hightail it to your room now Mister!"

"B-but dad, what if I get abducted!"

"Well would you rather get abducted or get grounded for making it up?"

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters screamed as he raced back into the house.

When he was gone Stephen turned to his wife, "Seriously Linda, you have got to stop giving him those pop tarts. It gives him hallucinations."

Butters slowly opened his bedroom door and looked around his room. No sign of the stranger so far. He tip-toed into his bedroom, trying not to make any sounds.

"_Nothing so far." _He thought. Just then he heard movement from inside his closet and tensed up.

"Tom Cruise, is that you?" Butters asked. The closet door then burst opened and some of Butters' old costumes came falling out and the stranger struggled out as well.

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters yelled when he saw the stranger exit the closet. He was just about ready to run out of his bedroom again.

"You're not gonna scream again are you?" The stranger asked, looking at Butters in annoyance.

"Please don't hurt me!" Pleaded Butters, "I didn't mean to use your staff, I swear!"

"My staff!" the stranger replied and his bright grey eyes immediately lit up when he saw the ox staff on the floor, "It's here! I haven't seen or used this thing in 64 years."

"64 years?" Butters asked, incredulous.

"Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking. I look too young to be roughly 3000 years old," Said the stranger as he secured his staff in the golden fabric, "but that's what you get for being a religious figure. You remain completely ageless with the power to resurrect at will."

Butters worked forward slightly, "You're a…religious figure?"

"The praise, the worship, the respect, did you not see the freaking yellow disk around my head, jackass?"

Butters tilted his head slightly. This person doesn't seem bad, "Do you have a name."

The religious figure stared at Butters, "What the hell kind of question is that? Of course I have a name. The name's Zoroaster; founder of Zoroastrianism and prophet of Ancient Iran. At least I was until I was brought back to life 64 years ago." He replied bitterly.

"You were once dead?"

"Yeah," Answered Zoroaster sitting on Butters' bed and reminiscing, "I was killed during the time the Empires still existed, but for some reason I was given a second chance on earth 64 years ago. Of course, coming back to earth gave me immortality and the power of resurrection.

"Didn't you already have that when you were alive the first time?" Asked Butters.

"No, you see when you bring a religious figure back from the dead; they are given two gifts; immortality and resurrection. If we have immortality, we remain completely ageless, in adult bodies. If we have resurrection we have the ability to come back to life over and over and over again after we die, whether we get stabbed, crushed, sliced, run over, eaten-"

"I think I understand sir." Said Butters, looking freaked out at the things that could kill people.

"You know, that makes it almost impossible to kill us." Zoroaster replied.

"How come no one ever met you before?"

"Try asking that to the government," Zoroaster said bitterly, "it's thanks to them that I was locked away in the Pentagon shortly after I returned to existence. Been locked away from the public ever since, at least that was until you used my staff to get me out of there and into your bedroom Mister…"

"Oh my name is Leopold Stotch," Said Butters, "but everyone calls me Butters."

Zoroaster thought for a minute at what Butters said, "Why the hell do they call you Butters?"

"Uh…"

"No, that's important right now," Zoroaster said to himself, getting up from the bed, "now that I'm out I need to focus on finding him."

"Finding who?"

"This guy." Zoroaster showed Butters a picture of a man with glasses and wispy grey hair.

"Hey, that looks like Albert Einstein." Said Butters as he recognised the man in the picture.

"You know him?"

"Yeah, he's a really smart scientist."

"Did you also know that he's the reason why I was given a second existence?" Asked Zoroaster, which surprised Butters, "Yeah, I don't know how he did it, but this guy did something to bring me back to life and I'm determined to found out what it is."

"Well, maybe Jesus might know." Butter replied.

"Who's Jesus?"

"He's a religious figure like you. He the founder of Christianity and the Son of God. Perhaps he might be able to help you."

Zoroaster thought for a moment at what Butters said, "Alright, then let's go find him."

"Yeah-w-wait! I'm coming too? Butters asked incredulous.

"Well I'm definitely not asking you." Replied Zoroaster. Butters shook his head, "B-but sir, I can't go with you. I don't want to get into anymore trouble-"

"Hey, _you_ were the one who used my staff, so that makes _you_ involved in all this as well," Retorted Zoroaster, "either you help me find Jesus and Einstein or I'll make your life a living hell and let me tell you, having your life turned to hell by a religious figure is not pretty!"

"Aw hamburgers…" Whimpered Butters.


	8. Chapter 8

**This chapter introduces Dark Matter, the main antagonist of the series and Brutos, the religious figure hunter. Both would be voiced by James Woods and Christian Bale respectively.**

**Chapter 8**

Kyle and Charlie sat on the ground on a small hill which caught the whole view of Alethea.

"You have to admit," Said Charlie, "when you get past the fact that this village lacks technology, it really is a nice place."

"Yeah," Kyle agreed, "thank God it's not like home."

"If you think the view here is good, you should try it on the right hill." An Alethean replied, "of course, it's a little further away, but it gives out a pleasant view of the village."

"We're fine here." Said Charlie, "Kyle, do you have the picnic basket?"

Kyle stood up, "Yeah I left it over there." When he went for the basket his foot caught something and he fell over with a yelp. Charlie stood up and rushed to her boyfriend, "Kyle, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." Answered Kyle. He got up and looked at the item that he fell over. Then he noticed something, the item was sticking out of the ground and was bright green. As if instinct told him to, Kyle began to dig up the item.

"Kyle, what're you doing?" Asked Charlie, but Kyle didn't answer. As soon as Kyle was finished, the girl saw in his hands a cube-shaped object, which glowed a bright green. There were symbols on the cube that neither the kids couldn't make out.

"What is that?" Charlie asked, completely dazzled by the colour of the cube.

"I have no idea, but we gotta keep it away from Cartman," said Kyle, knowing perfectly well what will happen if the fat boy discovered it. Just then as if on cue, Cartman, with Stan, Kenny and Andrew arrived.

"Ah, son of a bitch!" Yelled Kyle as they drew closer. It wasn't that he didn't want his friends around; he wanted to spend some time with his girlfriend.

"It's bad enough that we got a Jew from Jersey as a friend," Complained Cartman, "no way am I letting some Greek piece of crap hang out with us!"

"Hey! He's agreed to help us so don't rip on him fatass!" Stan yelled.

"Help with what?" Charlie asked.

"My sister got left behind back home." Explained Kenny.

"What?"

"Yeah, Kenny's parents are freaking out because of it." Stan said. He noticed the cube in Kyle's hands, "Dude what's that in your hands?"

"I don't know, I tripped over it when I was getting the picnic basket."

Andrew studied the symbols on the cube, "Based on the symbols on it, I'd say it's very valuable. You should keep it safe, away from greedy hands."

"If you like Kyle, I can keep the cube safe." Cartman replied, eying the cube.

"No way fatass, I know that you're just going to do something to it."

"Don't be ridiculous Kyle, I'm not going to sell it so I can get an iPad.

"Dude, you still want that?" Stan asked.

"I wasn't talking to you Stan, so Kyle, can I have the cube?"

"No!"

"God-dammit!"

Meanwhile at the South Park Bar, many drunks and rednecks were gathered there to have chats or share stories. The barkeep was serving drinks to a few patrons when he was approached by a dark red hared man with facial hair, an eye patch and a scar running through his left cheek. He wore a sleeve less shirt and trousers, with black boots for the feet.

"Hey, there stranger," The barkeep replied, "can I help with anything?"

"Hey! Eye patch!" Skeeter yelled as he approached the stranger, "We don't take kindly to your types in here!"

"Ah c'mon Skeeter," The barkeep cried, "thirteen years later and you still got that attitude. He ain't hurtin' anyone."

"No! I wanna know somethin' from Mr. Eye Patch here! If your types are prone to get injuries like the patch and scar, how come you don't see a doctor about them?"

"Skeeter, I don't want any trouble."

"It's okay, I don't plan on staying long here," The stranger said calmly, "Name's Brutos. I was hired to hunt down beings called religious figures. Are there any religious figures in this town."

The barkeep thought for a minute, "Well there's a religious figure that lives in 80122, try finding him there. By the way, what happened to your eye?"

"Nothing is wrong with it," Answered Brutos, "It keeps me from wearing glasses."

"But Kyyyyllllllllee…"

"For the last time, no!"

Kyle and Cartman have been arguing over the cube for the whole walk back to the village that Stan, Charlie, Kenny and Andrew walked ahead of them.

"Do those two fight a lot?" Asked Andrew.

"More than you think." Stan answered. Just then helicopter blades were heard.

"Hey, what's that noise?" Kenny asked, and then a helicopter descended to the ground. The door opens to reveal an elegantly dressed man in black who wore a mask that covered his nose and eyes.

"Are you five the kids that live in South Park, Colorado?" The man asked the group to which they nodded the answer. He approached the group.

"Hello there, do you know who I am?"

"No." Kyle said bluntly.

"In that case, I am Dark Matter."

"…so?" Asked Stan.

"SO? Uh, I mean, so I'm a very important person." Dark Matter said.

"Like John Elway?"

"What?"

"Do you know John Elway?"

"No!"

"Funny, you say you're important but you don't know John Elway," Said Cartman, "what an asswipe."

"Okay look, can we all focus on why I'm here, please?" Yelled Dark Matter, "Now, I understand that one of you kids found a peculiar looking cube somewhere around here. You all know what I'm talking about right?"

"Yyeeaahh." Said Kyle slowly.

"It was the Jew that found it," Cartman said, pointing to Kyle, "I offered to keep it safe but he said no."

"That's because you were going to sell fatass! You said so yourself!"

"It _doesn't _matter!" Screamed Dark Matter, he was on the verge of losing his patience, "Just tell me, did the cube you found had symbols engraved on it?"

"Yeah," Kyle said suspiciously, "How'd you know?"

"All right, this is very important," Replied Dark Matter as calmly as he could, "where is the Keystone of Babylon now?"

"Keystone…of Babylon?"

"Hey, why'd you want to know mister?" Stan demanded.

"I wasn't talking to you kid!"

"Whoa dude." Said Kenny.

"God-dammit! Where is the Keystone?" Dark Matter shouted, grabbing Kyle by his orange jacket and shaking.

"Holy shit dude!" Said Stan.

"Hey let of him!" Charlie demanded, grabbing a hold of Kyle's foot.

"What seems to be the problem here?" A passing officer asked when he heard all the commotion.

"Problem? Er, no problem at all ." Said Dark Matter as he hastily put Kyle down, "I was just introducing myself to these charming young children."

"Nu-uh, this guy is being a complete psycho!" Cried Cartman.

"Yes, well we were just leaving." Andrew said as he ushered the others to follow him back to the hotel, away from this mysterious stranger. When they left Dark Matter turned to the officer.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Do _you_ know who I am?"

The officer looked at Dark Matter up and down, "Well you're not Zack Effron and if you're not Zack Effron then I do not care."

"FUCK!" Dark Matter screamed before walking off in a huff.

"…Whoa what a psycho." Said the officer.


	9. Chapter 9

…**Yeah, I suck at descriptive writing, but that's not going to stop me from just not finishing this story and forgetting about it, like most of the other stories on this site. You'd be surprised by how determined I can be.**

**Chapter 9**

"_Lu lu lu, I've got some apples, lu lu lu you got some too-"_

"I swear to God, if you don't stop singing that annoying song, I'll shove my staff up your ass." Zoroaster muttered, which caused Butters to immediately stop singing, "Do you even know where we are?"

"Yeah, this is my friend; Kenny's neighbourhood." Butters answered happily to the poverty stricken neighbourhood.

"Bit of an eyesore, don't you think?" Asked Zoroaster as he looked around in disgust. He was born in an ancient Iranian village that didn't relay on technology which was in better shape than this.

"Yeah, it's not much to look at, but Kenny's family do seem to be content with their lifestyle." Said Butters. Just then a cry was heard from one of the front yards of the houses. It sounded like a girl's cry. Deciding to investigate Zoroaster walked to where the cry was coming, with Butters right behind. After exploring several front yards they approached Kenny's house where they found a little brown haired girl, wearing a green coat.

"Hey that's Kenny's little sister Karen." Said Butters. The sound of his voice alerted Karen of his and the prophet's presence.

"B-butters?" She sniffled.

"Hi Karen, I thought you were in Greece with your family."

This made Karen cry again, "I think they forgot about me." She said between tears.

"What kind of parent would forget their kids?" Zoroaster asked.

"Well, Karen doesn't get a lot of appearances, so it was bound to happen." Explained Butters as he comforted Karen. Zoroaster sighed, he didn't want to bring another kid with him, given his limit was already one, but he didn't want leave the girl on her own either.

"Ah, fuck me…" He muttered to himself.

"It sure was good of you to let Karen come with us," Said Butters as he held Karen's hand, "you can be very nice if you try."

"Let's just focus on finding this Jesus guy," Said Zoroaster as he looked around a massive park, "What is this place anyway?"

"This is Stark's Pond," Answered Butters, "this is where I usually go to play sometimes, and mostly by myself."

"Right, well let's see if we can ask more people about Jesus." Said Zoroaster and he then turned to the nearest passer-by, "Eh, excuse me, sir, have you seen someone by the name of Jesus?"

"No, sorry."

"Dammit! That's the eighth passer-by with the same response."

"Now what do we do?" Asked Butters.

"I think we're gonna have to find Einstein without Jesus," Said Zoroaster, "besides we'd be better off without, I mean it's not like we need him to save the world." He looked at the passer-by standing beside. Zoroaster didn't know why but there was something off about this person, something…abnormal, like he seen him before.

"You eh, you look familiar, have we met before?" He asked the passer-by who just shrugged, "Did you protest against the Vietnam War?"

"No."

"Were you a former manager of John C. Reilly?"

"No."

"Huh…Are you one of the Greek Gods?" Zoroaster asked that question out of nowhere.

"What-no!"

Zoroaster gasped, "Oh my God, you are! You're one of the Greek Gods!"

"He's a God?" Asked Butters.

"No I'm not!" The passer-by insisted, "I'm just some random guy that you're talking to!"

Zoroaster wasn't convinced, "Well then," he turned to the lake, "I suppose you won't mind if I dry up the whole lake in this park, which I know is impossible to someone you isn't a Supreme Being-"

"Don't-!"

"Ah-hah!" Zoroaster exclaimed, pointing to the passer-by, "You _are _a Greek God!"

The passer-by sighed, "You caught me. I am one of the Greek Gods."

"Wh-what? Oh hamburgers!" Exclaimed Butters.

"Oh my God, a Greek God, an actual Greek God!" Cried Zoroaster, barely containing his excitement.

"What does that mean?" Asked Butters.

"It means we'll witness the return of the ancient empires. Greek, Egyptian, Indian, all the empires that were wiped out. We'll be thrown back in to the Dark Ages, when science was repressed. It'll be the return of the Golden Age.

"Oh hamburgers."

"Will you both keep it down," The Greek God hissed, "this isn't the return of the Golden Age."

"It's not?" Asked Zoroaster.

"No."

Karen approached the God, "Are you really a Greek God?" She asked with innocent eyes.

"That's right," He replied, "my name is Hermes, one of the Olympians."

"The Messenger God." Replied Zoroaster, "If this isn't the return of the Golden Age, then what are doing in our world?"

"Just because mortals no longer worship us, doesn't mean we can't stop watching out for them. You see, me or one of the other Greek Gods pop into the Mortal World every once in a while, kind of incognito just to check up on the mortals and make sure things are running smoothly, but making sure not to get directly involved in their affairs."

"That makes sense." Said Butters.

"You three are the first mortals to recognise one of the Greek Gods in over 2000 years," Said Hermes, "not counting our agent of course."

"I'm a religious figure actually." Zoroaster corrected Hermes, which caused him to look at him sharply.

"A religious figure? As in a half-mortal?"

"If you mean an ageless human that can't die then yes, I'm a half-mortal."

"We're trying to look for another half-mortal," Said Butters, "his name is Jesus."

Meeting Hermes for the first time gave the prophet an idea, "That's it! Why didn't I think of it before? I'll use my staff to take teleport us to Jesus."

"Teleport us?" Asked Butters worriedly.

"Yeah, it's faster than checking this whole town to find him," He replied, "Alright, everyone gather close to me."

Butters was reluctant to do that.

"Come on, it's not gay, it's how I'm supposed to teleport other people." Said Zoroaster.

"Can I come with you?" Hermes asked, "I like to meet Jesus myself."

"Help yourself." When everyone was near Zoroaster he used his staff to teleport the group out of Stark's Pond, unaware that a nearby man, sitting on a bench watched the scene in surprised shock.

"Aw man, I gotta lay off the booze." He murmured to himself.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Jesus paced around the living room in his home, trying to figure out the answer about his second existence. If this wasn't the Second Coming, then what is he doing back on earth? Was it a premature revival or was something else about to happen. His thoughts were cut short when a flash of light appeared. Jesus yet out a yelp of surprise when the flash came and gone again in a heartbeat, revealing the strangest group he'd ever seen.

"Ah geez, I don't feel so good." Moaned Butters as he clutched his stomach.

"Yeah, teleportation can have its ugly moments." Zoroaster explained.

"Um…can I help you people with anything?" All eyes lay on Jesus when they heard his voice.

"It's Jesus, we found him!" Butters said happily, forgetting the pain in his stomach.

"That's Jesus?" Zoroaster asked.

"Yup, hi Jesus, sorry if we came into your home without knocking but we kind of need your help, my name is-"

"Leopold Stotch, but you're nickname is Butters," Jesus finished the sentence, "I know who you are my child. Like I know that the little girl hiding behind you is Karen McCormack."

"He's sharp, I can tell," Zoroaster said to Hermes before turning to Jesus, "anyway we need your help with something, it kind of a long story."

"I'm honestly in no rush." Jesus said simply.

"…Really, well okay, it all started like this…"

One long story later.

"…so you see Jesus, that's how I got into the puffball's room and decided to find you so you may help us find Einstein."

"Wow," Said Jesus, "well what you say does sound desperate but you may not know this but Albert Einstein is no longer among the living."

A long silence filled the whole room, "…Say what?" asked Zoroaster.

"Einstein has been dead since 1955."

"Zoroaster stared in disbelief at Jesus, "You're kidding right?"

"No. How did you not realise that when you yourself said you existed on this planet for 64 years?" Jesus asked incredulous.

"I just presumed that he was a religious figure like you and me!"

"He's not a religious figure."

"God-dammit Butters, you sent me on a wild goose chase!"

"Aw hamburgers…"

"Well between you two," Hermes intervened, looking at the two religious figures, "I'd say it's likely that Jesus is one of the half-mortals, I've been sent to find."

Zoroaster looked at him, "Sent? Find?"

"Who's he?" Jesus asked, pointing at the messenger God.

"Oh, so you know the names of kids, but you don't the names of Greek Gods?" Zoroaster asked Jesus.

"Maybe this will help" Said Hermes, taking a few steps back from them. He snapped his fingers and instantly he was wearing a light blue robe, complete with his winged helmet and sandals.

"Oh, now I recognise him." Said Jesus.

"Yeah, good for you, but what did you mean when you said that you were sent to find Jesus?" Zoroaster asked Hermes.

The Messenger God sighed, "Alright I haven't told you the real reason why I'm in the Mortal World. I wanted to wait until we found Jesus, and now that he's here I'll tell you," He looked at Butters and Karen, "Can these kids be trusted in helping us?"

"I think that at this point, only the kids can be trusted in this town." Jesus said plainly.

Hermes thought for a moment about what Jesus said, "Alright well here's the story. The Olympians believe that a great crisis is developing in this world. We think that it originated somewhere in this country. We knew that unless something is done about it, the crisis will spread to the rest of the world. In order to find more information about it, they sent me to investigate, while at the same time look for a group of half-mortals."

"What type of half-mortals?" Asked Butters.

"Half-mortals who are called the Super Best Friends." Hermes Answered. With those last words Jesus fell from the seat he was sitting on.

"Y-you know about us?" Jesus asked in shock. What Hermes said was completely uncalled for.

"Yeah, our agent told Hestia about you."

"Your agent?"

"A mortal who works for us and who we are in constant contact with," Hermes explained, "he's someone who does undercover work for us Gods."

"And he knows about the Super Best Friends?"

"That's right."

"Alright, can we time out for a minute?" Zoroaster asked, "I'm just wondering, who's your agent and who're these 'Super Best Friends'?"

"We can't really say the name of our agent," Said Hermes, "there are some names in this world that we can't say.

"As for the Super Best Friends," Jesus sighed, "it's a long story. You see the Super Best Friends is a superhero organization, composed of the leaders of the world's leading religions."

"Wait, there's _more_ of us out there?" Asked Zoroaster.

"That's right. We go around the world protecting it from evil."

"…Let me get this straight," Zoroaster said slowly, "you are friends with other religious figures, despite the fact that people use our religions as excuses for war and fighting?"

"We're more than friends, we're Super Best Friends."

"…What's the difference?"

"Wow, I sure wish the world would live in religious harmony the way you and your religious buddies do." Said Butters.

"Maybe someday My Child, maybe someday."

"And that might never happen if we don't stop this possible crisis," Hermes replied, "Jesus can you take us to the place where the Super Best Friends live?"

"Ah, I don't know…" Jesus said slowly, "much has changed since we were last shown. Our numbers have decreased and a lot of us are afraid of causing controversy after the…incident."

Look, Jesus," Hermes began, "this world could be in possible danger and the Super Best Friends protect it. You said so yourself and we really need your help in this."

Jesus looked at the people around him and sighed. It's true that the Super Best Friends protect the world, but things were different now. But if Hermes said there was a crisis he knew what he must do.

Brutos arrived at the house he was told a religious figure lived. If there was a religious figure in there he knew that he must do what he was hired to do: kill it. He took out a bazooka and was about to open the door when it flew open, flinging Brutos into the brick wall.

"So, we're going over there, right?" Zoroaster asked as he exited the house first, "to this place where the Super Best Friends live?"

"That's the plan." Jesus answered, joining Zoroaster with Butters, Karen and Hermes behind him.

"Where is it exactly?" Asked Butters.

"Neither of you are members, so I can't tell you the location, but I can tell you that the Hall of the Super Best Friends is in a state further north of Colorado, in its capital."

"…It's somewhere in Helena in Montana, isn't it?" Asked Zoroaster.

A stunned look appeared on Jesus' face, "Was that…?"

"A complete guess? Yes it was." Answered Zoroaster as he walked off to the airport, followed by Butters, Karen and Hermes, leaving Jesus glued to where he was.

"…Dammit!" Jesus cried as he caught up to the others, unaware of Brutos coming from behind the door with a bloody and falling flat on his face, unconscious on the ground.

**And so it begins. Also that'll be the last you'll see of Brutos for now.**

**Just who is the agent the Olympians keep talking about? And what was the incident that caused the Super Best Friends to be afraid to cause controversy? Do **_**you **_**know?**


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

Stan was on the balcony, watching the night sky. He admits that with all the stars out it was beautiful; you don't get that a lot back home.

"You know that you shouldn't try staying up late son." Stan turned to see his father Randy holding a beer and having trouble keeping his balance.

"Dad, are you drunk?" Stan asked.

"Gettin' drunk on holidays is what dads do Stanial." Randy slurred. It was definitely obvious that he had one too many.

"How did you even get beer? I thought they didn't have any in this village."

"I smuggled some beer back at the airport."

"You smuggled-"

"Yup, I smuggled," Randy said proudly, "Don't tell your mom though."

Stan closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. Of all the dads he could've had, it just had to be a complete idiot. Just then there was a knock on the door.

"Hello Stan? It's me Kyle." His best friend's voice replied on the other side. Stan went to open the door for him. "Hey dude."

"Hey, can I hide out here for the night?" Kyle asked.

"Is it the fatass?"

"He won't stop bothering me about this," He showed Stan the cube he found earlier, "it's really starting to piss me off."

"Don't worry about tellin' your parents about where you are I'll call 'em," Randy waddled to the two boys, "You two remind me of when Gerald and I were kids. Hey, did I ever tell you about Simon Nicoles?"

"Who?" Stan asked.

"In that case, let me tell you," He ushered Stan and Kyle to sit down, "Simon Nicoles was a kid who went to school with us. We were all your age back then, of course, we didn't stay in the fourth grade for twelve years, anyway Simon Nicoles was one of our classmates and let me tell you he was a giant douche bag."

"Like Cartman?" Asked Kyle.

"Yeah like Cartman, except he wasn't a sociopath, he was a real teacher's pet. He would tell on us if we did something wrong, he'd remind us of getting to class on time and he would gloat that his grades were better than ours. The guy was a total suck-up. So after a while we all finally had enough and me and my classmates devised a plan to give Nicoles a taste of his own medicine."

"What did you do?" Asked Stan.

"You know how back home, everyone is a fan of the Denvor Broncos?" Randy asked the boys, which they nodded in response.

"Well Nicoles was no exception. He would collect Denvor Bronco cards at any chance he'd get, and it was the perfect way to play a prank on him. We had Kenny's dad tell him that there were Denvor Bronco cards in some woods near South Park. He apparently fell for it as he spent three days in that woods looking for those cards and when he did find the box that he thought contained the cards, it was empty."

"…Dude…weak." Said Stan, "So, what happened to this Nicoles guy."

"Well apparently, the prank we played on him proved to be one prank too far, because Nicoles was sent to a mental asylum two days later. Whelp, that's it, that's the story, "Randy stood up, "You two boys have a good sleep…" Almost immediately after he said that, Randy fell on the floor and fell fast asleep.

"Dude, your family is fucked up." Kyle said.

"I know." Said Stan

"What're you looking at Charlie?" Kenny asked Charlie the next day when they were on the outskirts of the village.

"It's a map of Alethea," Charlie explained, "I'm looking for someplace worth going to, someplace that me and Kyle can spend time together."

"Speaking of your boyfriend, here he comes." Kenny pointed to the approaching Kyle with an irritated look on his face, along with Stan, Cartman and Andrew.

"Please Kyle? Can you give me the cube? Pllleeeaaassseee?"

"Shut. Up Cartman! I am _not _giving you the cube and I am _never _giving you the cube!" Kyle shouted at the fat boy.

"Kyle doesn't want to give you the cube fatass." Charlie added.

"Hey, I don't take orders from a stupid bitch!"

Just then a black car rolled in, beside the six kids. Stepping outside was Dark Matter wearing a Groucho Marx face mask, "Hello there. How are you young kids today?"

"Fine." Stan said bluntly. Neither of the kids recognised him.

"That's great. My name is Doctor...Swollenthighs. I heard that one of you kids found my cube."

"_Your _cube?" Charlie asked.

"Yes, you see that cube is part of my liver dialysis machine. I'm glad you found it because without that cube, my patient was sure to die within hours."

"Oh no!" Cried Cartman, "I discovered the cube first, that means _I'll _decide what I want to do with!"

"_I_ found it fatass!" Yelled Kyle.

"Fuck you Jew!"

"I'll give you kids a cash reward for finding it," Said Dark Matter, "It's worth a lot of money you know."

"Is It?" Asked Cartman, suddenly taking an interest in the adult.

While they were all talking, none of them noticed Kyle's brother Ike walking up to Dark Matter's car, opening the boot of the car, hoping in and closing the boot.

"I poop my pants." Ike said inside.

"Hey, no wonder that Dark Matter guy wanted the cube so bad." Said Stan.

"Oh, and who might this Dark Matter be?" The adult asked.

"Oh just some really _really _old man who wished he was thirty again." Kyle said casually. The kids laughed, unaware that Dark Matter's hands were turning into fists.

"I bet the reason he wears a mask is to hide a giant zit on his." Cartman laughed, only for Dark Matter to become more angry.

"Yeah," Charlie agreed, "and talk about a complete psycho, never before have I seen-"

"**SHUT UP!**" Screamed Dark Matter, which caused the kids to look at him in silent shock.

"So anyway," Said Dark Matter, trying to control his temper, if you will all come with me in my car, I'd like to take you all back to my headquarters in America where I'll kill you-I mean give you money for the cube."

"Sweet! I'm finally gonna get an iPad," Said Cartman as he got in the car, "dude this is totally tits. Hey, aren't you assholes gonna come in?"

"I don't know," Stan said cautiously.

"If it's any assurance, this car can literally fly," Dark Matter said, "it was designed to, so I'll take you all back to America and back here before your parents find out."

"Whatever happened to not going into cars with strangers?" Asked Charlie.

"Not when there's money involved bitch." Said Cartman, "No come on, I want that iPad!"

The kids walked towards the car, "You coming Andrew?" Kenny asked.

"W-wait, I'm coming too? I don't know if I should-"

"Dammit, would you get in the fucking car!" Cartman cried, "I want that iPad and I want it now!"

**Anyone else getting a bad feeling about this?**

**Next chapter shows Butters, Karen and Hermes getting kidnapped, but by who?**


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

"Okay, we're here." Jesus said as the group arrived at the Hall of the Super Best Friends.

"About fricking time," Zoroaster muttered, "I honestly thought it was much further away than this."

"By golly, it looks just like the one from the cartoon shows." Said Butters, recognising the stone and glass building from shows he watched on TV.

"I don't think I saw those shows," Said Jesus, "anyway we should head inside. The others are waiting for us."

As the group head inside the base, they failed to see a group of figures hiding behind trees, waiting to capture them when they least expect it.

Zoroaster looked around the room they were in. It had a table in the middle with chairs and a giant computer at the end, "I gotta admit Jesus, you all know how to live in style."

"I was half thinking of remodelling the room but I'll have to know what the others think…" Jesus frowned slightly as he looked around the empty room, "wherever they are."

"You're sure that this is where you all live?" Asked Hermes.

"I'm sure. Hello?" Jesus called out, "Anyone here?"

"Maybe they got delayed?" Butters suggested.

"You can't delay a Super Best Friend," Jesus said, "that doesn't even make sense."

"How many of you did you say there were?" Asked Hermes.

"There's five of us," Jesus answered, "it used to be seven but some of us were forced to move to different branches by the Order of Religion after the incident." He called out again, "Hello?"

"Jesus, is that you?" A male voice echoed from a corner of the room.

"What the hell is _that_?" Zoroaster cried as the group tuned to an orange and yellow energy being. Jesus sighed in relief when he saw the being, "Moses thank God, you're still here."

"I never leave this place you dumbass." The energy being replied.

"Is anyone going to tell me what this is?" Asked Zoroaster.

"Everyone, this is Moses," Explained Jesus, "He's the prophet of Judaism and the supercomputer of the Super Best Friends. Moses this is Zoroaster, the prophet of Ancient Iran, Hermes, the Greek God of Messages, Leopold 'Butters' Stotch and young Karen McCormack."

"Pleasure to meet you all." Said Moses.

"Why am I getting the feeling that we may need him for later on?" Zoroaster said to himself.

"Moses, where are the other Super Best Friends?" Jesus asked urgently. If the others weren't around, it means that something bad must have happened to them.

"Do you remember, about a year ago when you went to Paris to help cure its population of the swine flu?" Moses asked.

"Yeah, I'm still trying to recover my ability to make miracles after that."

"Well, during the time that you were in Paris, the Super Best Friends received a distress call from an anominous source. They were assigned a mission by this source, but he never explained the full details of the mission.

"Why didn't they tell me about it?" Jesus wondered aloud.

"They felt that you didn't want to get distracted from helping the French."

"And they hadn't returned yet from the mission?"

"I think it's more like they disappeared rather than not returned. I'm unable to track them down and I haven't heard any word from them. Most of the other branches are too busy to help me find them."

"How can you do that when you don't have a body?" Asked Zoroaster.

"You know, I _used _to have one!"

"Sure you did." Zoroaster said sarcastically.

"Did they leave any messages on the computer before they vanished?" Jesus asked.

"Well, there is one word message on the computer, but I can't make it out." Said Moses. Jesus rushed to the giant computer and switched it on, looking for any recent messages on it, "Do you know who sent it?"

"Before disappearing, Krishna left the message for you in case you arrive here." Said Moses.

"Krishna? As in, Hindu deity Krishna? He's a Super Best friend too?" Asked Zoroaster as he joined Jesus.

"That's right," Said Jesus, "found it." He opened the message from his missing comrade to find a peculiar word staring back at the two religious figures; Nolybab.

"Nolybab…either the guy doesn't know how to type or he's trying to pull our legs." Said Zoroaster.

Jesus shook his head, "No, Krishna's definitely trying to tell us something, it could be the location of where they are.

"Uh-huh, Do you know of any city, country, maybe even a continent that's called 'Nolybab'?"

"Well, maybe if we look at the word a different way."

"How, by spelling it backwards or something?"

Jesus opened his mouth to speak when there was a high-pitched scream that sounded disturbingly like Butters, "Please tell me that was the girl screaming." Zoroaster half-hoped.

"Oh my God!" Jesus looked around the room in panic, "Where's Hermes, Butters and Karen?"

"I don't know, but I'm certain that they're outside because that scream came from outside." Said Zoroaster as he and Jesus ran out of the Hall of the Super Best Friends.

"Butters? Karen?" Jesus called out as he and Zoroaster went outside.

"And Hermes." Zoroaster said calmly, but Jesus ignored him.

"I can't find them anywhere," He said, "something must have happened to them."

Zoroaster then noticed a footprint in the ground which he inspected, "Hold your horses Jesus, I know what happened to them; they were kidnapped."

"What?"

"That's right. Based on the crooked lining of this footprint we were being followed here and when we were inside our followers kidnapped the others while the two of us were trying to figure out the message. There was a struggle, which during it Butters screamed which alerted us outside to this footprint, and based on the direction that it's pointed, beside that tree over there our followers are headed to Denver, the capital of Colorado."

"…You figured all that out from looking at a footprint?" Jesus asked incredulous.

"When you've been in government lockdown for as long as I have, you either learn random stuff or you go stir crazy." Said Zoroaster.

Meanwhile, at the Pentagon, an emergency meeting was held there.

"Ladies and gentlemen," Began the General, "I have dire news. At 1400 hours our most locked away discovery…was broken out." There was a wave of shock amongst the officials."

"Broken out? How is that possible?"

"Was there an accomplice outside the Pentagon perhaps?"

"We checked the cell of our discovery," A specialist, "There were no signs of escape routes or a break in, so we can only presume that our discovery was…teleported out.

The officials murmured amongst themselves at what the specialist said.

"The government relied on us to keep that discovery hidden," The General said, "that discovery has been with us for 64 years and now that very same discovery is somewhere in the outside world, trying to adapt to our time.

He addressed the officials, "Gentlemen, I'm afraid it's only a matter of time until religious figures start to run wild."

**It's almost finished. Just a few more chapters and I'll be on to part two of South Park: Religion Exposed.**

**Can **_**you**_** figure out what Nolybab means when you spell it backwards?**


	13. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13**

"God-dammit Cartman!" Screamed Kyle. Rather than given a reward for finding the cube, the kids were taken to an unknown building in Denver and tied up by Dark Matter, "This is exactly why we shouldn't listen to you. You're always dragging us into situations like this!"

"Seriously Kyle," Cartman said plainly, "can we have just one time when we're captured by random people that you don't criticise me?"

"As a whole, we get in danger way too often." Said Stan.

"There sure are a lot of people here," Said Andrew, taking in the room they were trapped in, "Who are they?"

"They're people who work for me," Explained Dark Matter as he walked into the room, "You see, we are all part of an organisation that has one goal and goal only. For some of you that didn't know this building is full of atheists and atheists alone."

"God-dammit, not another fucking atheist group!" Cried Cartman, remembering his time travel experience when he went to a future where only atheism was the dominant 'religion' and there were many atheist groups at war with each other.

"Our goal is to get rid of all religions and make atheism the true dominant…well…whatever you call it," Said Dark Matter, "I doubt it's a religion, but I don't know what it really is. Our organisation is called the U.A.M."

"U.A.M?" Charlie asked.

"United Atheist Movement," Said Dark Matter before rounding on the kids, "of course in order to make our dreams a reality, we need certain…cubes, and now that I have you all here, I'd love you to tell me where the remaining Keystones are."

"_Remaining _Keystones?" Kenny asked.

"Yes, remaining Keystones," Dark Matter spat impatiently, "if you all found one, then you're bound to have found the others as well."

"Ho, know," Said Cartman, "finders-keepers."

"Tell me now!"

"Look dude," Stan tried to reason with the adult, "we honestly don't have the other Keystones, we didn't even know there were other Keystones."

Dark Matter stared at the kids. He wasn't convinced that they didn't have the other Keystones, "If that's how you want it, then it's time for drastic measures." He walked towards a giant screen and pushed a button. On the screen appeared a pig with a collar around its neck.

"Anyone recognise this pig?" Asked Dark Matter.

"Hey Cartman, isn't that the same pig that we made have sex with an elephant?" Kenny asked the fat boy.

"Why it's Fluffy!" Cartman said with delight, "She must have come to rescue us! Hey Fluffy, can you hear us? It's your owner Eric! Can you come down here and save us from this asshole!"

"Hey, what's that big thing around her neck?" Charlie noticed the collar around the pig's neck. Just looking at it gave her a bad feeling that they weren't going to be saved.

"Let me show you." Dark Matter pushed another button. If was as if it happened in slow motion, Fluffy's head instantly exploded, her blood, flesh and brains flying everywhere, right before their eyes.

"OH MY GOD! FLUFFY NO!" Shrieked Cartman in absolute horror at what happened to his pet.

"Holy shit dude!" Yelled Stan, equally shocked at what happened.

Cartman glared daggers at the villain, "What the hell did you do!"

"I killed your pig," Dark Matter said coldly, "and she's the lucky one 'cause she went first. The same thing might happen to one of you if you don't tell me the location of the other Keystones."

"We _don't_ have them!" Kyle yelled desperately.

"You know, I'm still going to keep you all here until you tell me," Then a cruel smile appeared on Dark Matter's lips that was unsettling, "of course, we all know that you should do the smart thing and tell me. We wouldn't want you all to end up like the old fashioned holy beings now would we?"

Stan and Kyle looked at each other and thought about what the villain just said, both of them had a wave of panic creeping over them, knowing perfectly well who Dark Matter was talking about.

"Eh, s-sir, can you let us go, please?" In a different part of the building, Butters and Karen were being held hostage by several atheists in a room with what looked like, some type of portal in the centre.

"Oh, no you don't!" One atheist answered, "You two aren't going anywhere until the religious figures show up!"

"Ah jeez," Butters muttered as he comforted a crying Karen, "why does stuff like this happen to me, every time I help somebody?"

"At least you get to go home after this." Another atheist replied.

"And that's gonna come a lot sooner than you think!" A voice answered and everyone in the room looked to the entrance to find Jesus and Zoroaster near the door.

"How the hell did you two get in the building past the guards?" Asked a third atheist incredulous.

"There's a reason why fire is worshipped in my religion." Said Zoroaster, blowing what looked like smoke off his staff.

"Well, now that you're here…" The atheist leader turned to the others, "throw them in the portal!"

"W-wait, what?" Butters asked in panic.

"This was our plan;" The atheist explained to Butters, "we use you two kids as bait to lure the religious figures to us, so at the right moment, we can capture them and throw them in the portal, which will take them to a different country somewhere in the world."

Zoroaster pointed his staff towards the atheists, "If you think I'm gonna surrender quietly to you faithless fuckers then you're out of your mind!"

As he said it, the atheists in the room were set on fire. They screamed in pure horror, trying to put out the fire.

"You know it isn't that bad," Said Jesus, "those are just flames."

"Yes, but they can grow with my approval," Zoroaster explained, unaware that he aimed his staff at the portal and a fireball burst out of the staff to the portal. The fireball hit the portal and it crackled slightly. This caught the attention of the two religious figures and the kids and the flames on the atheists ceased.

"This cannot be good." Jesus said as he looked at the portal crackle and then activate a swirling blue fog in its middle.

"That's bad, definitely bad!" Cried Zoroaster, when he and Jesus were pushed aside by the atheists who were all fighting to escape the room. Jesus and Zoroaster ran to Butters and Karen.

"I think-I think we should get out of here!" Said Butters, but the need to escape came too late. It was like being sucked by a vacuum. The group were being dragged towards the portal.

"I think…we're not gonna…stay here for long…" Said Zoroaster as he planted his feet firmly on the ground. He saw items getting sucked into the portal. Including books, planks, pennies, silverware and other random things…and Karen.

"Oh crap!" Jesus yelled trying to catch her but in the process lost his grip on the pole he was holding on to and got sucked into the portal as well.

Using what little energy he had left, Zoroaster used his staff to create a shield around himself and Butters.

"It won't hold for long," Zoroaster explained, "using magic takes up a lot of energy."

"Shouldn't you use it to bring them back?" Butters asked, "Or use it to stop that bookshelf that's coming straight towards you?"

"Bookshelf?" Zoroaster turned his too late to see a bookshelf, bigger than him flying at furious speed straight towards him. The bookshelf hit the prophet and knocked him unconscious, allowing the portal to carry the prophet towards it.

"Oh hamburgers!" Butters cried as he saw the bookshelf and Zoroaster get sucked into the portal and soon he also lost his grip on the pole, leaving him to the same faith as his comrades.


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

"Holy beings aren't real," Charlie said to Dark Matter, "there's no proof of any kind that they're real."

"Ever heard the saying 'you can't believe everything you've been told'?" The villain asked as he set up a music player and took out a disk.

"Dude, what're you doing?" Asked Kenny.

"If you all aren't gonna tell me the truth, then I'm gonna force it out of you," Dark Matter put the disk in the music player and held his finger on the play button, "this song belongs to South Park's most hated female singer, the same singer that destroyed your town twice. Can you all tell me who that singer is?"

It didn't take for Stan, Kyle, Cartman and Kenny to have looks of horror come across their faces. They knew very well who the villain was talking about.

"You wouldn't…" Whispered Stan.

"Let's find out." Dark Matter pressed the play button and instantly the room was filled with slow, classical music.

_Don't tell me not to live,_

_Just sit and putter,_

The four boys yelled out in pain at the sound of the song.

"Ah dude, that's horrible!" Cried Kyle.

_Lifes candy and the suns_

_A ball of butter._

"Turn it off!" Pleaded Stan, "Please turn it off!"

_Don't bring around a cloud_

_To rain on my parade._

"That's right," Dark Matter said gleefully, "no one born in South Park can stand listening to the music of Barbra Streisand."

"Make it stop!" Yelled Cartman, "Seriously, make it stop!"

"Oh, I will," Said Dark Matter, "just as soon as one of you spill the beans on where you've stashed the Keystones."

"Dude, c'mon. They're really suffering!" Pleaded Charlie.

"Which one of you kids will snap first?" Dark Matter wondered aloud, "My money's on the fat kid."

"I'm not fat!" Screamed Cartman.

At that moment, the door burst open, its hinges falling off. The atheists and Dark Matter turned to find a pink-haired woman with a dead fetus attached to the side of her face entering the room with what looked like, explosives in her hands and on her belt.

"Hey! Atheists!" The woman shouted, "Leave those kids alone!"

"Nurse Gollum!" Kyle cried, shocked to find the school nurse carrying explosives and facing the bad guys in badass motion.

"Oh great, it's one of those religion loving jackasses." Dark Matter muttered.

"We don't love it; we just try to preserve it." Said Gollum.

"Yes well, that little preservation is going to come to a complete halt very soon."

"You'll have to get through me first."

Dark Matter couldn't help but laugh at what the school nurse said, "Have to get through-yeah right. You and what army?"

"I didn't need one." With that, Gollum threw her explosives, which exploded around the room. Although the explosives weren't strong enough to kill them, they did set furniture on fire as well as cause ripples and people running around in frenzy. There was smoke everywhere which made looking hard to see.

"Somebody get her!" Dark Matter barked through the smoke. Unfortunately the smoke was so thick that the atheists didn't know where they were going. During the chaos the kids felt the ropes loosening and falling off them.

"Quick everyone out!" They heard Gollum's voice yell out to them, "The guards are already taken care of, so the exit is passable.

"Dude c'mon!" Stan yelled, leading the others to the exit, along the way, they failed to realise that Kyle dropped the green coloured Keystone.

Outside the U.A.M building the boot of Dark Matter's car opened and Ike's head popped out of it. He looked around before climbing out of the boot.

"Ring around the rosy." Said Ike before wondering off into the city of Denver, unaware that at the same time Stan, Kyle, Charlie, Kenny and Andrew rushed out of the building, covered in ash but unharmed.

"Dude, that was pretty fucked up right there." Said Stan. He looked around, realising that it was nightfall here in their home state.

"You can say that again," Kenny agreed. Andrew looked around, realising that something wasn't right, "Hey, where's your fat friend?"

"Cartman!" Kyle and the others also looked around, "Wasn't the fatass right behind us a while ago?"

"Maybe he got lost?" Charlie suggested.

"I think it's too late to go back for him." Said Stan, looking at the smoke coming from the middle of the building. At that moment Gollum exited the building and joined them, "You didn't have to wait for me you know."

"Nurse Gollum, what's going on?" Stan asked, "Who were those guys? How did you know where to find us?"

"Everyone get in my car and I'll explain everything while I'm driving."

**Almost there, just one chapter to go.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

"Had I known you kids were going to get involved, I would've come down there faster." Said Nurse Gollum as she drove her car through a lit road with the kids in seats.

"How did that Dark Matter guy knew you?" Asked Stan, who was in the front.

"He knows all of us," Explained Gollum, "you see, I am part of a secret organisation that protects religious figures and preserves the belief of religion. It is called the Order of Religion."

"Does our school know about this?" Kyle asked from the back. Charlie, Kenny and Andrew were fast asleep, with Charlie sleeping on Kyle's shoulders.

"It's a _secret _organization Kyle, nobody must not know about it. It's especially important the U.A.M must not know of our location.

"Aren't you getting a little worked about this?" Stan asked, "I mean, it's only a bunch of pissed off atheists."

"Yeah, what's so wrong with that?" Kyle added.

"I don't think you two realise what we're dealing with," She looked at both of them through the car mirror, "our leader understands that you two have had occasional encounters with a superhero group called the Super Best Friends."

"Yeah, they saved our lives more than once." Said Stan, "But what does that have to do with what's going?"

"Well, most of them went missing about a year ago."

"Missing?" Kyle asked.

"Yes and we believe that the U.A.M are connected to their disappearance. It's believed that they're gone forever, but some of the Order of Religion, including me beg to differ, because we have a way of tracking them down to the place where they are.

"How?" Stan asked.

"Ten years ago, we implanted a tracking devise inside one of the Super Best Friends to ensure that we will always find them in case they went missing." She showed the boys what looked like a Wii remote but had a radar screen on it, "this remote that shows the tracking devise was broken for awhile. It took three years to fix it."

"So with this thing we'll be able to find the Super Best Friends." Kyle asked.

"That's right. I just hope we're not too late though. The atheists just might get what they want if we don't get to the Super Best Friends on time."

"What do mean the half-mortals are no longer in the New World?" Zeus asked the twin Gods in the sphere room.

"We mean is that we can't find any trace of them in America nor are they on the sphere." Artemis explained.

"But Hestia said they lived in America."

"She said that before they disappeared," Said Apollo, "have a look for yourself and you'll find the country completely half-mortal less.

Sure enough, there were no signs of any half-mortals on the sphere, just like Apollo said.

"Well this is just super," Zeus mumbled, "there's a possible threat to the Mortal World, an organization full of atheists have been discovered and our only hope in the form of half-mortals is nowhere to be found. Can this get any worse?"

"Zeus," Athena rushed into the sphere room, "Hermes has been captured by the atheist organisation."

"It just got worse." Said Artemis.

"…Ah shit" Said Zeus

"I don't fucking care whose fault it is, just get that portal fixed and this place cleaned up!" Dark Matter shouted to the group of atheists in the portal room. It looked as if a whirlwind hit the room with papers, books and debris all over the place. The portal in the centre was in bits.

"I'm going to the east room," He said, "nobody goes near that room while I'm in there!"

He stormed out of the portal room and towards the east room. When he arrived he turned the knob on the door, only for it to fall from its hinges. He looked the mess that Gollum caused, it was like a train wreck in here, with scorch marks and burnt furniture all over the place. He glared daggers at the chairs where the kids were tied up. He was going to get those kids if it was the last thing he did. Then he noticed underneath the burnt debris, something green and glowing.

He moved aside the debris and realised that it was the Keystone he was after. He smiled viciously as he picked up the Keystone, "Yes…" Dark Matter hissed, "Perhaps capturing the children wasn't a complete disaster after all." He looked through a window at the view of the city or at least part of it, "Everything is going as planned; the Super Best Friends are out of the way and I now have two Keystones. All that I have been planning for years is finally taking form," From his trouser pocket he took out a photo, "and the only one that could've prevented all this…will be dead soon.

Dark Matter looked at the picture. A picture of a seven year old girl with light brown hair, a green coat and a bit of dirt over her left eye. This was the girl that could've ruined Dark Matter's plan.

**TO BE CONTINUED…**


End file.
